I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
