you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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