rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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