Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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