Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
