When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
