I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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