Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
