I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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