woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just threw up on my dentist
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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