five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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