you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
