My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
