we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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