I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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