The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
