Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
