mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
