I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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