I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
