I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
