I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
