I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
