He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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