I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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