found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
