When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
