his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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