I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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