What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
