I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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