im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Fuck appropriateness.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
