Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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