Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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