come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
