what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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