grandma shit on top of the toilet
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
