I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
