Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
