I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
A+ Viking dick
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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