I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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