A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
