I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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