So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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