My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
