I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
