I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
