My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
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I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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