I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
