I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
