we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize