My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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