I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
