I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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