It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
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We talked him into tasing himself.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
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I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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