I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we're making bets on your personal life
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
